Tip 14: Smack Your Kid – It is Healthy!

For all those who thinks my method in parenting is abhorring ;P

As the articles have shown (click pictures for bigger read), the era of showing too much respect for the kid is anything but useful.

Here’s my take –

To the parent who thinks bringing up kids with velvet glove, and let them roam free, to the tune of encouraging ‘freedom of expression’, even if it inconvenient others…

To the parent who genuinely believe that those little darlings of yours cannot be hurt emotionally (it destroys their self esteem you know), or we must cajole and persuade rather than slamming down the kid…

I have this to say – Frankly, you’re just plain lazy (at the worst) and do not have the courage to fulfill your role as a responsible parent.

I am NOT one to support abuse, but if tough love and being firm but fair means making my kid a better person, so be it. I am sure what I have applied in disciplining my kid – at least in an Asian home where discipline of the child involves slapping and caning, as part and parcel of a good upbringing in a home – is no big secret. SmackDad only describe, in detail, these methods in written form. It will however, a word of caution, make uncomfortable reading for some.

I, for one, do not belong to a goody kid in my growing up years. And what I am today, I must thank my mum who does not hesitate in meting out punishment that is far cruel (and creative in inflicting pain) than what I have described in my previous blogs!

Do I hold it against her? NO! On the contrary, I LOVE her more than anything else. Through her ‘cruelness’ she taught me one of the most important life lesson, how to ‘jo yian’ (in Cantonese) or loosely translated, a person of sound character.

I thank you mummy (she must read this!)

Let me assure you, I take no pleasure in executing the harsher punishments. And the fear that your child will hold it against you is the least of your worries. Reason being, for those who bother (and do not read my views out of context!) will know that these disciplinary methods if applied, is only used once or twice. Your relationship with your child is more of communicating, which means hear what THEY (not you) got to say first, lots of hugs, kisses and encouraging love. Be involve. That makes the difference in binding the bond between parent and child. Of course, they must know SmackDad wields a big stick if matters get out of hand…

I have to reiterate, there are children who are born angelic and there is really no reason to use SmackDad treatment at all. Bless you.

But for the rest of us, we are not so fortunate. That is where the fun in being a parent begins!

Rule of the Day: A slap in time, may save nine (er, can someone enlighten me here?!?).

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Tip 13: Daddy, What is F-U-C-K ?

Parents, if you can't stomach strong language, please leave this site.

While walking home from dinner, my wife asked, do you know that she (our little one) knows what the F-word means? So we asked her, who told you the meaning of the F-word. Her reply, ‘Daddy’. What a proud moment – for daddy! She didn’t get it from her friends, TV or the Internet, but from daddy. That's my gal!

The F-word, it is on walls, in the playground, where she explained the word to her mother, and in our lift landing, where it all started some months back. While waiting for the lift, she just has to read out the word ‘fuck’ aloud, and asked, ‘what is that, daddy?’ and daddy tells her like it is.

Fuck is when the penis goes into the vagina and that is how babies are born, like you.

I am amazed; she actually regurgitated what I explained to her word-for-word to her mummy. Darn kids have minds like sponge! I have decided, with the Internet-MTV kids today, forget about going round the bush and replace penis and vagina with cutie names like koo-koo bird or chee-chee.

With today’s array of media bombardment, masking the topic of sex from the kid is totally irrelevant and absurd. Much of this is borne from our parent’s misguided upbringing on the subject of sex and disillusioned over this idealistic desire to protect our little ones from all things sexual.

Get real. Kids are more exposed than any of us when we were at their age! But do they know what it meant? What are the consequences? It is here, as parent, we must come in.

We explained that fuck is a coarse word and not to be used lightly. Another word to use to describe the action is sexual intercourse. Sometimes when we want to have babies, then we have sex. ‘Does that mean will get pregnant?’ my little one asked. ‘Yes, if we want babies’, we replied, and mummy added, ‘remember you mustn’t allow any man force you to have sex or touch you there’.

Now she knows the meaning and the usage of the word. Once she actually pre-warned daddy, if I so continue to brand her with names like idiot, fool, stupid, pig head, dumb-dumb, she’ll use the F-word on me! That’s my gal!

Rule of the Day: A real parent is not one that brings the kid to the world but one that brings the kid up.

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Reflections 8: Get a King Size Bed!

The other day, I had dinner with some former colleagues. We have with us, a lovely couple whose gonna tie the knot next year! Brave souls. One of the topics brought up was, to have a King size or Queen size bed for their master room.

I’d say if the new HDB flat allows a King size bed and still have room for maneuver, I mean space to walk – GET A KING SIZE BED!

In a smaller bed, other than the possibility of kicking or punching your other half on the face, when in dream mode, our personal experience is snuggling close to each other is fine but with the weight and bodily heat generated over time, together with our humid weather, it ain’t gonna be comfortable.

Give me the space any time! If space allow, give yourself that King size luxury. I mean we spent 6 to 8 hours of our time sleeping. Some lucky ones can get up 12 hours of sleep! Another great reason is when the little one comes along.

As a rule, I do not want the kid to sleep with us. Hey, the man needs his uninterrupted, beauty sleep too! Since day one, we have decided that the kid sleeps in her own room, on her own bed. Whether she cries, shit or vomit, it is gonna be on HER bed NOT mine. And if it is a throwing tantrum kind of crying, we’ll just leave her crying till she falls asleep on her own. In that way, she’ll also get to know that crying for attention will get her nowhere.

Then as she gets older and she pleads with those big Puss-in-Boots eyes that she want to sleep with us because she misses mummy and daddy… very hard to say no lah.

By any account, we are just your average sized people. Even with our bed size, to include the little one sleeping with us, would mean turning in bed mindfully, without knocking into each other!

Let’s get real. It is a misleading notion that all three can snuggle comfortably and have a good night sleep. Unless we sleep, King Tut like position throughout without moving, forget it! And prepared to be kicked and slapped across your face, by the tiny feet and hand, if you have that brat sleep in between.

However we have with us mummy FW, who insisted that a Queen size bed is better. And she’ll share her views with the bride to be. I have not fathomed how is that possible. Pray tell how?!?

Rule of the Day: Daddy needs his sleep. If he can't take care of himself, how is he gonna take care of his family. Period.

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Tip 12: Daddy, I Don't Love You

Tip 12
Money and the Kid, the saga continues… (see Reflections 4 and Reflections 6)

‘Daddy don’t want to give me 2 $ because that I didn’t save my money. And buy glitter this all but luckly that I have coin. I don’t love daddy because he don’t want to give me $2. Now daddy going to sign my blue file but I need to be nice of (to) him.’
— 15/8/2007

This is an entry in my little one’s Journal. Prepare for the kid telling you they do not love you. This is once they know how to express themselves and they don’t get their way. I used to receive it verbally. Now, it is in written form!?!

For the rest of that week, she got to ‘tar pau’ or pack for her own canteen break. And she prepares her own packing. If she does not do it herself, I ain’t gonna sweeten her ‘punishment’! Her favourite is bread with Nutella spread.

My sadistic side would love to push the limit and not even let her have any to eat for the break. But alas, a good general knows no army can win a battle on an empty stomach. Somehow the kid understands that too. In spite of all the harshness delivered, through your conscientious caring actions, they know you always have their best interest at heart – they are not stupid.

It comes with the deal when we, as parent, have to make a stand and instill the proper values, ethics or beliefs. Knowing well it will mean inconveniencing, depriving and discomforting them.

When applied, do allow them the right to protest. I will however, stop short at the kid using, ‘I hate you’ or ‘I kill you’ – which were expressed before. Correct them by letting them know that these are harsh words that should never be loosely used.

The next time, when the little ones expressed ‘I do not love you’, don’t get too affected. It’s emotional blackmail at their best. Trust me, these little angels know how to manipulate feelings! How do I deal with them? I simply brush them off by telling them, ‘It doesn’t matter, daddy still loves you.’

Rule of the Day: A parent’s nightmare, ‘Where were you when I needed you to guide me’.

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Reflections 7: Working from Home with the Little Brat

see more illustrations at Wiwimu's Journal

There was a two days break for the lower Primary kids while the older ones take their final examinations. Ordinarily we will make arrangement to pack our little rascal to a nanny’s place or coerced by relatives and close friends to have our girl stay over at their place to let all the kids have a happy time together – to the delights of all the affected children of course!

Come on, I mean, it is ONLY for TWO days, gungho daddy can handle that while still work at home. It started well with a schedule. So-and-so this time, do the assessment work. Then so-and-so this time can go play the computer games. Then so-and-so this time we go lunch together and so forth.

Sounds great, in theory. By and large, it went as planned but it did come with its glitches. In spite of the activities planned, the one thing I did not bargain for is, she gets bored – easily.

Day One glitch – Hippity hop, she’ll come in and pester daddy for things and she’ll insistently stand next to you while you work, till she gets your attention. At an unfortunate instance, I was conceptualizing various ideas and just couldn’t quite get it right. For a designer, these are times they should be left alone – we mean it. And there’s this little pest, pestering just next to you, over trivial matters like, can you please sign this done (and darn) school assessment paper, that is to be submitted only the following week! Flash point, daddy lost it and shouted ‘SHUT UP LAH!’ And I saw the little one scurrying back to her room. Then I hear sniffing coming from my little girl’s room. That was it, concept or no concept, I did no right in that. My girl needs me…

Day Two glitch – There are times, when you need to focus while working, and even have the radio turned off so as not to be distracted. In the quietness, you suddenly feel some one touching your leg below the table! I was jerked out of my seat for that instant, then you hear laughter and realized it is the little one playing one of her ‘boo’ pranks! Flash point, I did not think that was funny and shouted ‘GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!’ And that had her scurried back to her room (once more) and this time, it was loud sobbing. I guess I scared her too!

After these two incidents, realized that house rules together with work rules have to be applied. I explained to her that there is always a time and place for everything. And playing ‘boo’ or pestering daddy for things when he is working is just not going to happen. To keep it simple, I only have two rules for her to follow:

1) When daddy is in the study room working, the study room is THE office – so no play time (for both parties)
2) Knock twice before entering when daddy is working – no more shocks, for myself and for her, and importantly, it is just plain, basic manners to knock before entering

After that it gets easier with a gentle reminder that daddy is working, and she’ll do her own things. And when she wants to talk to daddy, she’ll knock before coming in. Initially, the knocking the door part needs some getting use to. After a few retries, to ask her to walk out again and knock, before entering, she got the message.

Nowadays, it becomes part of her to knock when she enters the room. A good lesson learned, I’d say!

Rule of the Day: Let your kid know, to be number one is good, but to give your best in everything you do, is better.

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Reflections 6: Money to the Kid – Fine Tuning Needed!

Like all great ideas, as described in Reflections 4, rarely it goes as planned when executed.

I planned to give her the entire $12 to start the month. Being cautious, I intend to give her all $2 notes. It’s better if she looses one $2 than a S$10 bill!

Unfortunately, I’ve only had two $2 notes then. So I told her, daddy pass you $4 and daddy owes you… after she did some finger counting, $8 more dollars. Not a bad start for practical Math!

I was for the idea she’ll just bring $2 every time. She insisted that she wants to bring all $4 to school. Fine, I told her ‘If you lose the money, and there isn’t any left by month end, there won’t be food to buy’. And she replied, ‘Then I tar pau (pack food) to bring to school’. Grrrr.

We learned, her first taste of having the means to spend, is like letting a bird out of the cage! Back from school, ‘How much have you left?’ I asked. She took out her wallet and happily counted the remainder – $1.60.

Huh? Wait a sec, it was $4 given. What was spent?!? 50 cents on food, 50 cents on a tube of Glitter, those irritating metallic shiny dust that stuck all over your skin, and a mechanical pencil at $1.40! Mechanical pencil? I just bought her one over the weekend! Grrrr, Grrrr. Why does she need to buy another mechanical pencil? So that she can lend it to her friend. Grrr, Grrr, Grrr!

Okay, this needs to be fine tune. Mummy suggested, we are too ambitious to pass her that kind of amount for a start, and expect her to handle money sensibly – of course SmackMum said it in a more flowery manner, about SmackDad’s short sightedness in this matter, which I ain’t gonna reveal!

We then explained to our little one, instead of a one lump sum hand out, it is to be a $2 top up until $12. And spending in this manner is going to dry up before the month end. Then she countered ‘I’ll tar pau…’ and daddy retorted, ‘NO tar pau even!’ if money is spend in this manner. Period.

The next day, when she is back, she had with her $1.40. Didn’t she buy food for canteen break? ‘Yes daddy,’ she replied, ‘20 cents for water melon’. Admittedly, for that moment, it pains my heart to realise that she knows enough, to scrimp on the remaining money left.

The following day, she spent 50 cents on her food, and she hasn’t spent lavishly after that. I think a valuable lesson was learned.

Rule of the Day: Tell your child ask. If you don’t ask, the answer is always a ‘No’.

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Reflections 5: Internet and the Kid

Illustration by Heymans Tho

Let’s face it, sooner or later we have to deal with this – getting a PC (Personal Computer) for the kid and allow her to surf the web. I mean they are already learning Touch Typing!?! Look, daddy is still keying looking at the keyboard! And like she reasoned, ‘I want to practice’.

Okay, getting the PC cuts both ways. No doubt it is an indispensable tool, it also has its dark side and as parent, we instinctively want to shield our kids from that, at whatever cost. Let me tell you, FORGET IT! In the words of Louis Armstrong – I hear babies cry, I watch them grow, They’ll learn much more than I’ll ever know…

Within the week of the PC arrival, she accessed Yahoo! and typed www.winxclub.com and entered the site! How did she manage that? She got it from the back cover of her Winx Club pictorial book we bought her. The following week, she’s into YouTube and excitedly asked me to watch one lumpy, bare-bodied, prancing middle-aged Korean man.

He was pretending to play a base guitar, just action minus the guitar, to the tune of riotous rock music. It’s quite funny. But how she got there?!? To be sure she does not venture into any sleazy sites, you never know what can pop up when you do a search, I told her, if there is a video or picture on sexy mamas, let daddy know!

YouTube, I haven’t gone into YouTube myself!?! So, I did just that! This is after reading an article on how raunchy Sun Ho (Ho Yeow Sun) looks in her new single China Wine, a collaboration with Wyclef Jean. Strictly from an artistic view, it is a brave and praiseworthy music video. C’mon support local talent! You can catch it at www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKbQhZusptA

Erm, I think I digressed. Just yesterday, I saw my little one almost register herself in some game website. STOP! Immediately I have to lay down 4 ground rules if she wants to register online:

1) NEVER give your ACTUAL name
– call yourself BiuBiu if you have too. By the way, that is her pet hamster’s name.
2) NEVER give your HOME address
3) NEVER give your PHONE number
4) NEVER give your SCHOOL NAME

And we have her agree to a condition, before we say yes to the PC, every time she uses the PC, her PC time is only half an hour. This is for the health of her eyes, and the last thing you want, is a PC addicted child! So far, she has kept to her side of the bargain.

Learning must be fun and you do not want to stifle the child’s exploring curiosity. The PC provides all that. I also stand firm that you can’t protect your child forever. Censorship is out of the question, that is, until the trust is betrayed. Then we have every reason to impose more limitations.

Once we decide to let the little one have access to the world of the internet, it is not without effort, you got to be there for your kid too!

Rule of the Day: Children should not be brought up like bonsais – it is beautiful but the growth is stunted.

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Reflections 4: Money to the Kid

Illustration by Heymans Tho

Come August, we are going to try a little experiment. We have decided to give a monthly allowance for our little one. If she spends them all before the month ends, she will have to go without any money for canteen food – till the next month. Yes, I am beginning to like the idea!

She will come to realize that money cannot be never ending if she is not careful with it. It is never too late to instill the value of money for the kid, even if she is in her Lower Primary. There was once she said, ‘Daddy if there is no money, the bank can give you money’. How sweet. And I asked her, ‘Who puts the money in the bank so that daddy can take money from the bank? It’s daddy!’

Her spending on canteen food per day is just 50 cents. Bless her school. You can actually buy a bowl of fishball noodles with that amount and it comes with two full fishballs! Get this, if you want to spend lesser – 40 cents for a slice of pandan cake, 30 cents for an egg, scrambled or sunny side up!

That works out to S$10 for the five days and four weeks in school. Okay, daddy is not going to be a scrooge. I’ll throw in another S$2 for allowance. That makes it a grand total of S$12 per month for her canteen food. Now who says having kids is gonna be exorbitantly expensive?

Nothing more will I give because she will also learn to cope with the all too common occurrence in today’s lifestyle – instant gratification. If she wants to spend on items, other than the canteen food, she got to work with the monthly budget. I'd say, spend on the lesser price food and save the remaining sum, till you are able to afford! Hey, wait a sec, she can put into practice her addition and subtraction here too! This is gonna be fun!

Rule of the Day: A real parent is not one that brings the kid to the world but one that brings the kid up.

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Tip 11: The Good 1—2 (part 2 of 2)

Parents, if you are squeamish over a mosquito bite on your kid, please leave this site.

Tip 11
The truth is, it is no pleasure executing the Good 1—2. *sigh*. The kid doesn’t have to know that. What they must know is, beneath that velvet glove, there are always claws waiting – if they cross the line.

When applying this discipline, I say again, a LITTLE spanking is all that is required. I know, in the midst of anger, it is tempting to let it all out. DON’T. Even with the precaution taken, this form of punishment is NOT to be taken lightly. Man, you are dealing with the head lah! duh.

If applied too enthusiastically, depending on the age of the kid, the result can lead to bleeding on the lips, bruised cheeks and worst, impaired hearing or vision. You wouldn’t want that. Another cautionary note, when executing the Good 1—2, CONTROL your adult strength. The slapped area may be small, but ALWAYS bear in mind, the impact to be absorbed by the kid’s developing neck bone and growing skull! I say again, CONTROL your adult strength.

Why then the face area and not the buttocks, legs or hand? Because, even for a kid, instinctively he knows the face is a highly vulnerable and unprotected area. Besides you want to achieve a reminder that will stay for a good while. Once the Good 1—2 is executed, all you ever need to do, is to walk up to the boisterous little chap and gently remind him, ‘Do you want to hold your face again?’ and you will see him, hold his face (like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone), shake his head in a ‘No’, and abide by the rules without further fuss.

Like all physical treatment, use it sparingly. Too much of it will make the kid harden to the effect. You don’t want that either. And like all well-intentioned and strict parenting, punishment MUST always balance with lots and lots of hugs and encouraging love. This is to let the kid know you are always there for them, and you will still be there for them – with the Good 1—2, when they intentionally over step the border, once more….

Personally, the Good 1—2 is used as a final straw. Usually the ‘Spanking Without Being Caught’ methods (see Tip 4, Tip 6, and Tip 9) is enough to let the kid know – you mean business.

Rule of the Day: If being cruel means being kind, then I choose to be cruel.

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Tip 10: The Good 1—2 (part 1 of 2)

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Tip 10
This certainly goes against the grain on ‘sensible’ parenting, and in some country, tantamount to abuse!!!

I strongly advocate that a little spanking is required if you want to bring up sane kids and importantly, to keep your own sanity. From time to time, a strong message has to be sent to the kid – he has past his limit and, who’s in charge.

For the Good 1—2 slap, use ONLY four fingers, with the thumbs bend in and resting on the palm. Like you use the hand to show the number four. For maximum effect, always go for the chubby cheeks, then give the Good 1—2, much like a boxer giving a left punch and followed instantly with a right hook.

The point of contact should ONLY be the fleshy tip of the fingers to the cheeks. That is why the bent thumbs are absolutely essential. This is to confine the slap in a small area and also to avoid the explosive, all five fingers, free-for-all kind of slap!

Instinctively, the kid will use both hands to cover the cheek area. Which is not a bad thing. Then you need only to slap his hands that are protecting his cheek. Smack–Smack!

The first slap is to get the message across and the second is to imprint the message – permanently. Then STOP. Go no further. Sometimes, it is tempting to go more, DON’T. The aim here is to affect a scare with a lasting memory NOT maimed.

After which, ALWAYS EXPLAIN the punishment and importantly, the kid MUST acknowledge he knows the reason for receiving the Good 1—2. This is to establish that an understanding is reached. If the same happens again, Daddy is more than happy to exercise the Good 1—2…

Rule of the Day: I’d rather rotan (cane) the kid myself than have the State rotaning him when he grows up!

Next post: The Good 1—2 (Part 2).

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Tip 9: Spanking Without Being Caught (part 3)

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Tip 9
This is especially useful, if the kid refuses to be held when crossing the road or walking in the public car park. Instead of going berserk and screaming at him about holding hands and being safe while walking on the road (as if he cares), just hold his hand and give him – the bone grip.

Hold his hand like normal and if he tries to wriggle his way out, grip tighter till you feel the bone. For the kick of it, move gently your thumb and forefinger back and forth while holding his hand. You’d be surprise how little strength is needed to get your message to him.

Then nicely remind him – you mean it. When walking along or crossing the road, HOLD HANDS or this bone gripper is gonna come. After a few gentle treatment, you can be sure when he comes to a road or crossing, he’ll stop, wait for you to hold his hand, and cross the road together. Tadah!

When the kid is excited, at times, it is near impossible to always prepare to hold his hand. A quick way to execute this reminder is to hold the lower arm tight instead, and apply – the bone grip. I will only recommend the back and forth movement only if you need to enforce the message, or you enjoy watching the little one squirm from the pain. Then again, some kids love challenges, so why not…

The beauty of this, it can be done in calm and quietness. The cool factor, the public only sees you as another responsible parent ‘holding’ the kid's hand while crossing the road. I'll give another two 'Tadahs' to dat! Remember, when applying this technique, the purpose is to stun NOT break bones.

Rule of the Day: A parent’s nightmare, ‘Where were you when I needed you to guide me’.

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Reflections 3: Kids Hitting Parents

Have been observing the modern and I may add, brainless parents. These are parents that allow their kids, out of tantrums mind you, to hit, punch and slap them and, like magnanimous monomaniacs, say 'It is okay, they’re only kids what' or 'My kid is born hyper…' – with a smile.

Yah, let it continue. When they start hitting you when they are 13 years onwards or when you’re old and frail and they continue to hit you, remember the reasoning you convinced yourself ‘They are only kids what’.

YOU allowed it. Habit, not arrested leads to consent. When you realized it is time to stop, and physically comparing yourself to your grown kid, it will be too late.

For whatever reason, children DO NOT hit parent and that applies even to a two year old toddler! The kid got to know his place. It is okay to express anger, and I always encourage that, it does not however permit the anger to transform to physically hitting out or shouting at their parent.

If the kid hits me, after a warning or getting their parents’ consent, I’ll hit back, I mean they’ve been warned right? You punch, I’ll punch. You kick, I’ll kick. You bite, I’ll bite – haven’t tried that though. Word of caution, please DO NOT apply adult strength here. Once, my kid challenged me to push her. So I did. And she 'flew' three feet Superman (or girl) style before landing! That is another story altogether.

The whole exercise is just to let them know, if they choose to hurt others, this is how it feels on the receiving end! When this is applied, you can be quite sure they’ll think twice about laying another whack at SmackDad.

Then again, if they are being playful and your kid goes overboard ‘hitting’ you, do you hit them back? Admittedly, I didn’t get it initially till one day, my little one with teary eyes told me ‘Daddy, I am just playing only.’ Then daddy realised – oh shit.

Hey, daddy got to learn too – when to pull back, relax and laugh with the kids!

Incidentally, parents if you are in a frequent shouting match, or can’t stop wringing each other’s neck and physically hitting out at each other – STOP. Don’t blame the kid for being verbally and physically abusive. We are their best, and likely, only model they will emulate into their parenthood. Think about that.

And for the record, my little one is doing fine and she sustained a slight abrasion on her right knee only.

Rue of the Day: Kids will be kids; they’ll grow up okay. And so do wild grasses!

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Tip 8: The Beauty of 'NO'

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Tip 8
Kids who treat you ‘invisible’ regardless of umpteen times telling them to finish their homework, clear their rooms, eat their meals, and the list goes on… Instead of screaming your lungs out and, for some, expanse unnecessary energy chasing them with the cane, feather duster (hangers and belts not recommended), simply stay put and use the ‘NO’.

DEPRIVE them. Do not want to do your homework, ‘NO Shrek movie’. Take your time to finish your meal, ‘NO computer games tonight’. Not packing your room ‘NO Winx Club this weekend’. You’d be surprise how little an effort is needed to make darn little critters do their bit!

The trick is of course, before the deprivation kicks in, you got to know what makes them tick. And to make them work, MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. If you have given them the ultimatum, NEVER back track.

We’ve got an incident where our little one did not keep her part of the bargain. We passed her her favourite SPD (Power Rangers Space Petrol Delta) vcd, that she clamoured for weeks, and she got to dumb it into the rubbish chute – herself. It was painful to see her crying and not wanting to let go her favourite vcd (and we paid $6 for that vcd!?!), but we both knew that the value she’ll learn from this experience, of honouring ones word, is more than what we had paid for!

From here on, they will know, you mean business and it has been easy to get things move along with just this ‘No’ technique. On hindsight, SmackDad wished he had just given his little one the cover to throw, and kept the actual vcd. Shucks.

Rule of the Day: Children should be seen and NOT heard in public.

Next post: Law say cannot spank? We show you how to spank and not get caught (Part 3).

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Reflections 2: Mummy Don't Get It!

For the man who is becoming a first time daddy, take heed, things are gonna change. And I don’t mean just changing the diapers and smelling those ‘kayas’!

If you are those who see your darling wife giving you the undivided attention and presume it will continue so, I got this to say to you, be prepared.

When that bundle of joy arrives – it used to be you both sing ‘Everything I do, I do it for you’. Now, mummy will still sing ‘Everything I do, I do it for…’ THE KID. Where’s daddy?!?

Have chicken rice, the drumb stick meat goes to – the kid. Have roti prata, the egg prata goes to – the kid. Morning breakfast, mummy will fry the egg, goes to – the kid!?! Where’s daddy?

I used to rile over the fact maybe it is all this maternal instinct thingy about women. Then you kinda realize it slips more and more into a behavioral pattern, to the point where mummy is being inconsiderate to your feelings because of THE KID. This is not maternal instinct any more. It is plain taking each other for granted!

Am I missing something? When this happens, can I have enlightened mummies please fill the blanks?

Mummy let’s get real. When you are old and slow, (and we still find you beautiful) who’s gonna be there next to you? Your son, your daughter, or the one who made that wedding vow with you eons ago?

Then sons and daughters for what? Not that I have little faith in them. The truth is they have their own lives. They aren’t gonna be there for you when we reach that stage of our lives.

So mummy, what you gonna do after you spent all your hopes, dreams and attention on them, (and neglecting daddy!) and they set up their nest and maybe, just maybe, they will come back once a month to say ‘hi’. And you go ga-ga over them and their little kids. Then what? Who’s gonna be next to you when darn kids are not around. It’s daddy! duh.

Maybe mummies DO feel fulfillment having sacrificed for their kids (and husband in tow) and giving them all the attention and care… again, ladies, enlightenment please.

In good spirit for Fathers’ Day month, mummies spare a thought for us will ya! Daddy have feelings too!

Conversely, I know of daddies who take on the maternal role and the kid means EVERYTHING. Hey, mummies have feelings too. And you wouldn’t want to mess with that!

For the record, this was vet thoroughly by SmackMum before posting. I love her.

Rue of the Day: We exist therefore they (the kids) exist. Get it?

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Reflections 1: Condom Pains

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Reflections 1
That’s it! Another parent from Planet Blurr. One cannot tahan (tolerate) explicit material in a children’s section of a library – see Tip 5, May 2007 – and now this one fuming over a condom ad?!?The one in the MRT (click image for larger view), not only shows the strength of the condom, it is tastefully done. Whatz up?!?
Thankfully before I go into verbal diarrhoea mode, there are sensible people abound and one, from a 15 year-old kid! There is hope for the future ;-)
Once a boy reached puberty and he knows he has the means to create life, I’ll say, buy the kid his condom. Tell him to use it responsibly. It is fatal to assume (or denial for some), that our kid won’t experiment and lead to unwanted consequences, despite carefully explaining, and telling them to think and act responsibly.

If you have done that, give yourself a pat, frankly you’ve done all you can as a parent. Now the question is, if the inevitable happens to your kid, and she’s pregnant, when she’s not ready, what u gonna do?

Man, it is the hormones lah! Boyz will be boyz! Today, even gals too, I can safely add. And you can’t change that. So son, know your condom and wear them will ya if you cannot tahan (lose control)!

A close chum of mine, who has since migrated to Sydney, once said this, and how apt. I am glad to include this in the Rue of the Day. I've got a daughter and he has two. sigh.

Rue of the Day: When you have a son, you only got one cock to worry. When you have a daughter, you have a hundred cocks to worry!

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Tip 7: Puking Kids

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Tip 7
This happens most during meal time or when they want to get attention in protest mode. Don’t like vegetables, they’ll choke themselves full of it in their tiny mouths, and then cough and out it comes. Want to protest by getting attention, they’ll cough till they turn all ruddy then choke, and out it comes.

By all means, encourage them to puke. Then nicely bring something comfortable, like a big pillow, and have them puke all on it. Next, gently hold down their head and GENTLY rub their face on their own puke. After that calmly tell them to go wash up themselves.

You can be assured, they’ll never try this puke stunt again. It is never too early to let them know the edict ‘Do not do unto others, what you do not want others, to do unto you’.

What about the pillow? For the better good, this is a small sacrifice. Throw it away.

A word of caution, this do not apply to kid having fever and puking.

Rule of the Day: A child who knows no shame, knows no respect.

Next post: The beauty of 'NO' and how to use it effectively.

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Tip 6: Spanking Without Being Caught (part 2)

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Tip 6
I call this a Tender Hold. If the kid is causing a din in public and you wouldn’t want to be caught abusing the kid – short of bashing his head on the nearest wall – all you need is to give him the Tender Hold.

Get real close to him. Slowly, go for the fleshy inner side of his upper arm, near the armpit. Use the fleshy tip of your thumb and forefinger, pinch lightly, not more than 10 cm of the flesh, most effective below 5 mm, and hold it there.

It’ll shock him that instance. When he stares at you, look him in the eye. Let him know it is from you. At the same time, your eyes tell him to stop this instance or this Tender Hold will continue. You’d be surprise how quickly the kid gets the message and stop being a nuisance. No fuss. The beauty of it, you can continue your conversation with a smile, without any one knowing that you have just ‘spank’ your kid!

Another effective area to apply this technique is on the inner thighs – especially when they couldn’t stop jumping all over the place! One word of caution, NEVER, never use the fingernails. You do not want to puncture or tear those tender flesh and leave tell tale signs. Tadah!

Like all physical execution, use this sparingly. You want to deliver shock and fear and not, having your child to go numb to the effect.

Rule of the Day: Spare the rod and spoil the kid (cliché cliché), I’ll say, I’d rather rotan (cane) the kid myself than have the State rotaning him when he grows up!

Next post: Kids who blackmail you using their vomiting technique.

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Tip 5: All Parents Are F-U-C-Ks…

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Tip 5
IF, you appear to be like this one in the papers! (click image for larger view)

What is wrong with the four-letter word? It is a legitimate word, found in all respectable English Language dictionaries. Just because it originates from some Nordic language, and the English categorize it as 'not refine' as theirs, this poor word is condemned as a coarse word.

Wake up! Which inter galactic planet is this parent* from? What’s more, this parent went on expecting the National Library Board to buck up so that their little angels are not being corrupted by, of all things, a comic book, albeit with adult content.

Personally, I think this kind of mentality is just plain LAZINESS on the parent part. Lazy because they refuse to take personal responsibility over their children exposure to the daily grind of life. Lazy because they take the easy route, by conveniently pointing fingers and accusing others in corrupting their little darlings and, lazy because they expect the respective authorities to put right their kid when it should be THEY, as the child’s parent, fulfilling that role!

For this parent, I want you to repeat after me, ‘Fuck is the intercourse between daddy and mummy to have you (our little child) with us’. Now that is not too difficult to relate, is it? Take this opportunity to expose him to the realities of life.

The child will appreciate that his parents are open to relate something as intimate and, TRUST him enough to share this information. And YOU should be the one, telling him the meaning of this word and the appropriate use of the word. Ultimately, you want him to be able to find a buddy in you, to freely share his thoughts and aspirations. Now, is that not what parents are to be for the kid?

Let’s face it, sooner or later they will learn it from their friends. Would you rather they learn the word – fuck, from you or from their peers? You decide.

* With respect to the contributor, it is of no interest of SmackDad to reveal the source of this national newspaper article.

Rule of the Day: To know the good, he must first know the bad. You can’t shield your kid forever. So let Dad talk to you about promiscuous sex, about condoms and pornography…

Next post: Law say cannot spank? We show you how to spank and not get caught (part 2) – if SmackDad is not being roused by another incredibly child-like adult parent.

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Tip 4: Spanking Without Being Caught (part 1)

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Tip 4
Rubber band. Use the rubber band to flick your little brat. It’s clean and the red flick marks, or non at all, do not stay. Tadah!

My preference is to stretch it with the index or forefinger and let it go. The advantage, it can be implemented over a distance without being near them critters. And they’ll never know where you’re coming from.

When it hits them, make eye contact, to let them know it is courtesy from you. It’ll sting and they’ll cry, but they’ll remember. The cool factor, the next time when you walk with the stretched rubber band, and they see it, they’ll scurry away to finish off what they are supposed to do – without you having to expense more breathe!

Use this sparingly. Like all physical assaults, too much of it will make them harden to the effect. You don’t want that. And please, aim ONLY at the fleshy calf for maximum impact and, safety reasons. The purpose is to strike fear, NOT disable, dismember or disfigure.

Rule of the Day: ALWAYS, ALWAYS explain your punishment and balance it with LOTS of encouraging love.

Next post: Law say cannot spank? We show you how to spank and not get caught (part 2).

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Tip 3: TV Addict Kids

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Tip 3
Show him The Ring (preferably the 1998 original Japanese version – Ringu) with Sadako. MUST SEE scene – where she crawls out of the television. It will sure make him think twice on turning on the television himself. And if he really really wants it badly, he’ll get you to turn it on for him.

That’s cool. The whole exercise is to ensure he does not turn on the television without YOUR permission.

Unfortunately, this is only applicable to kids below four years of age. By the time they hit five onwards, they will see more gross things than Sadako.

Rule of the Day: The kid has NO RIGHTS till the day he is responsible for his actions and consequences.

Next post: Law say cannot spank? We show you how to spank and not get caught (Part 1).

Tip 2: Kids Who Can't Stop Chomping His Fingers

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Tip 2
Can’t keep him from putting his fingers in his mouth. Use chilli. It’s organic.

Just lightly rub it on his fingers then let nature takes its course. He either put it back in his mouth the next instance, or rub his eyes with them. Either way, he knows he won’t put those fingers in his mouth again!

How much to apply? All depends whatz YOUR threshold of pain in seeing your precious one scream and squirm.

Alternatively, the Tiger Balm (white ones please, we wouldn’t want to stain that expensive baby clothes that mummy insist on spending) manufactured by Haw Par Healthcare Ltd, will do just fine.

Once he gets the message, sweets works better than water to get rid of the chilli hot in the mouth. As for the eyes, just see the redness naturally subside, if you can take the sight of seeing your little bundle of joy overcome the pain. Children are more resilient than we give them credit for.

Rule of the Day: A real parent is not one that brings the kid to the world but one that brings the kid up.

Next post: My kid is a TV addict. Help!

Tip 1: Non-stop Crying Kid

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Read the TODAY’s paper on 17 May 2007. Global warming has started to burn the brains of these lawmakers. Parents today are breeding whiny kids that deserve to be SMACK themselves.

Two adults CONTROLLED by a brawling kid, giving in to his whims and fancy to shut him up. C’mon! You’re a thinking adult, right? Notice I will use the ‘he’ rather than the ‘she’ in my examples. This is deliberate. For all knowing parents, boyz will be boyz. You had better learn how to control them, let them know who’s in charge, on day one. There are exceptions of course. Some kids are just born sweet.

Tip 1
Kid refuse to stop crying? DO NOT cane them or chide the poor kid. Just ignore him. Leave him where he is safe (kitchen with knives and bath room with buckets of water not included!). Look at him, eye contact, look blank. Let him expanse himself till he turns blue. He’ll either fall asleep and coo or he’ll just know that it ain’t going any where with this kind of reaction. When he gets the message, reward him with lots of hugs and love.

Rule of the Day: Let the kid rule the house, it will ruin the home.

Next post: Kids who can't stop putting his finger in his mouth? We'll show you how!