Tip 12: Daddy, I Don't Love You

Tip 12
Money and the Kid, the saga continues… (see Reflections 4 and Reflections 6)

‘Daddy don’t want to give me 2 $ because that I didn’t save my money. And buy glitter this all but luckly that I have coin. I don’t love daddy because he don’t want to give me $2. Now daddy going to sign my blue file but I need to be nice of (to) him.’
— 15/8/2007

This is an entry in my little one’s Journal. Prepare for the kid telling you they do not love you. This is once they know how to express themselves and they don’t get their way. I used to receive it verbally. Now, it is in written form!?!

For the rest of that week, she got to ‘tar pau’ or pack for her own canteen break. And she prepares her own packing. If she does not do it herself, I ain’t gonna sweeten her ‘punishment’! Her favourite is bread with Nutella spread.

My sadistic side would love to push the limit and not even let her have any to eat for the break. But alas, a good general knows no army can win a battle on an empty stomach. Somehow the kid understands that too. In spite of all the harshness delivered, through your conscientious caring actions, they know you always have their best interest at heart – they are not stupid.

It comes with the deal when we, as parent, have to make a stand and instill the proper values, ethics or beliefs. Knowing well it will mean inconveniencing, depriving and discomforting them.

When applied, do allow them the right to protest. I will however, stop short at the kid using, ‘I hate you’ or ‘I kill you’ – which were expressed before. Correct them by letting them know that these are harsh words that should never be loosely used.

The next time, when the little ones expressed ‘I do not love you’, don’t get too affected. It’s emotional blackmail at their best. Trust me, these little angels know how to manipulate feelings! How do I deal with them? I simply brush them off by telling them, ‘It doesn’t matter, daddy still loves you.’

Rule of the Day: A parent’s nightmare, ‘Where were you when I needed you to guide me’.

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Reflections 7: Working from Home with the Little Brat

see more illustrations at Wiwimu's Journal

There was a two days break for the lower Primary kids while the older ones take their final examinations. Ordinarily we will make arrangement to pack our little rascal to a nanny’s place or coerced by relatives and close friends to have our girl stay over at their place to let all the kids have a happy time together – to the delights of all the affected children of course!

Come on, I mean, it is ONLY for TWO days, gungho daddy can handle that while still work at home. It started well with a schedule. So-and-so this time, do the assessment work. Then so-and-so this time can go play the computer games. Then so-and-so this time we go lunch together and so forth.

Sounds great, in theory. By and large, it went as planned but it did come with its glitches. In spite of the activities planned, the one thing I did not bargain for is, she gets bored – easily.

Day One glitch – Hippity hop, she’ll come in and pester daddy for things and she’ll insistently stand next to you while you work, till she gets your attention. At an unfortunate instance, I was conceptualizing various ideas and just couldn’t quite get it right. For a designer, these are times they should be left alone – we mean it. And there’s this little pest, pestering just next to you, over trivial matters like, can you please sign this done (and darn) school assessment paper, that is to be submitted only the following week! Flash point, daddy lost it and shouted ‘SHUT UP LAH!’ And I saw the little one scurrying back to her room. Then I hear sniffing coming from my little girl’s room. That was it, concept or no concept, I did no right in that. My girl needs me…

Day Two glitch – There are times, when you need to focus while working, and even have the radio turned off so as not to be distracted. In the quietness, you suddenly feel some one touching your leg below the table! I was jerked out of my seat for that instant, then you hear laughter and realized it is the little one playing one of her ‘boo’ pranks! Flash point, I did not think that was funny and shouted ‘GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!’ And that had her scurried back to her room (once more) and this time, it was loud sobbing. I guess I scared her too!

After these two incidents, realized that house rules together with work rules have to be applied. I explained to her that there is always a time and place for everything. And playing ‘boo’ or pestering daddy for things when he is working is just not going to happen. To keep it simple, I only have two rules for her to follow:

1) When daddy is in the study room working, the study room is THE office – so no play time (for both parties)
2) Knock twice before entering when daddy is working – no more shocks, for myself and for her, and importantly, it is just plain, basic manners to knock before entering

After that it gets easier with a gentle reminder that daddy is working, and she’ll do her own things. And when she wants to talk to daddy, she’ll knock before coming in. Initially, the knocking the door part needs some getting use to. After a few retries, to ask her to walk out again and knock, before entering, she got the message.

Nowadays, it becomes part of her to knock when she enters the room. A good lesson learned, I’d say!

Rule of the Day: Let your kid know, to be number one is good, but to give your best in everything you do, is better.

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Reflections 6: Money to the Kid – Fine Tuning Needed!

Like all great ideas, as described in Reflections 4, rarely it goes as planned when executed.

I planned to give her the entire $12 to start the month. Being cautious, I intend to give her all $2 notes. It’s better if she looses one $2 than a S$10 bill!

Unfortunately, I’ve only had two $2 notes then. So I told her, daddy pass you $4 and daddy owes you… after she did some finger counting, $8 more dollars. Not a bad start for practical Math!

I was for the idea she’ll just bring $2 every time. She insisted that she wants to bring all $4 to school. Fine, I told her ‘If you lose the money, and there isn’t any left by month end, there won’t be food to buy’. And she replied, ‘Then I tar pau (pack food) to bring to school’. Grrrr.

We learned, her first taste of having the means to spend, is like letting a bird out of the cage! Back from school, ‘How much have you left?’ I asked. She took out her wallet and happily counted the remainder – $1.60.

Huh? Wait a sec, it was $4 given. What was spent?!? 50 cents on food, 50 cents on a tube of Glitter, those irritating metallic shiny dust that stuck all over your skin, and a mechanical pencil at $1.40! Mechanical pencil? I just bought her one over the weekend! Grrrr, Grrrr. Why does she need to buy another mechanical pencil? So that she can lend it to her friend. Grrr, Grrr, Grrr!

Okay, this needs to be fine tune. Mummy suggested, we are too ambitious to pass her that kind of amount for a start, and expect her to handle money sensibly – of course SmackMum said it in a more flowery manner, about SmackDad’s short sightedness in this matter, which I ain’t gonna reveal!

We then explained to our little one, instead of a one lump sum hand out, it is to be a $2 top up until $12. And spending in this manner is going to dry up before the month end. Then she countered ‘I’ll tar pau…’ and daddy retorted, ‘NO tar pau even!’ if money is spend in this manner. Period.

The next day, when she is back, she had with her $1.40. Didn’t she buy food for canteen break? ‘Yes daddy,’ she replied, ‘20 cents for water melon’. Admittedly, for that moment, it pains my heart to realise that she knows enough, to scrimp on the remaining money left.

The following day, she spent 50 cents on her food, and she hasn’t spent lavishly after that. I think a valuable lesson was learned.

Rule of the Day: Tell your child ask. If you don’t ask, the answer is always a ‘No’.

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Reflections 5: Internet and the Kid

Illustration by Heymans Tho

Let’s face it, sooner or later we have to deal with this – getting a PC (Personal Computer) for the kid and allow her to surf the web. I mean they are already learning Touch Typing!?! Look, daddy is still keying looking at the keyboard! And like she reasoned, ‘I want to practice’.

Okay, getting the PC cuts both ways. No doubt it is an indispensable tool, it also has its dark side and as parent, we instinctively want to shield our kids from that, at whatever cost. Let me tell you, FORGET IT! In the words of Louis Armstrong – I hear babies cry, I watch them grow, They’ll learn much more than I’ll ever know…

Within the week of the PC arrival, she accessed Yahoo! and typed www.winxclub.com and entered the site! How did she manage that? She got it from the back cover of her Winx Club pictorial book we bought her. The following week, she’s into YouTube and excitedly asked me to watch one lumpy, bare-bodied, prancing middle-aged Korean man.

He was pretending to play a base guitar, just action minus the guitar, to the tune of riotous rock music. It’s quite funny. But how she got there?!? To be sure she does not venture into any sleazy sites, you never know what can pop up when you do a search, I told her, if there is a video or picture on sexy mamas, let daddy know!

YouTube, I haven’t gone into YouTube myself!?! So, I did just that! This is after reading an article on how raunchy Sun Ho (Ho Yeow Sun) looks in her new single China Wine, a collaboration with Wyclef Jean. Strictly from an artistic view, it is a brave and praiseworthy music video. C’mon support local talent! You can catch it at www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKbQhZusptA

Erm, I think I digressed. Just yesterday, I saw my little one almost register herself in some game website. STOP! Immediately I have to lay down 4 ground rules if she wants to register online:

1) NEVER give your ACTUAL name
– call yourself BiuBiu if you have too. By the way, that is her pet hamster’s name.
2) NEVER give your HOME address
3) NEVER give your PHONE number
4) NEVER give your SCHOOL NAME

And we have her agree to a condition, before we say yes to the PC, every time she uses the PC, her PC time is only half an hour. This is for the health of her eyes, and the last thing you want, is a PC addicted child! So far, she has kept to her side of the bargain.

Learning must be fun and you do not want to stifle the child’s exploring curiosity. The PC provides all that. I also stand firm that you can’t protect your child forever. Censorship is out of the question, that is, until the trust is betrayed. Then we have every reason to impose more limitations.

Once we decide to let the little one have access to the world of the internet, it is not without effort, you got to be there for your kid too!

Rule of the Day: Children should not be brought up like bonsais – it is beautiful but the growth is stunted.

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Reflections 4: Money to the Kid

Illustration by Heymans Tho

Come August, we are going to try a little experiment. We have decided to give a monthly allowance for our little one. If she spends them all before the month ends, she will have to go without any money for canteen food – till the next month. Yes, I am beginning to like the idea!

She will come to realize that money cannot be never ending if she is not careful with it. It is never too late to instill the value of money for the kid, even if she is in her Lower Primary. There was once she said, ‘Daddy if there is no money, the bank can give you money’. How sweet. And I asked her, ‘Who puts the money in the bank so that daddy can take money from the bank? It’s daddy!’

Her spending on canteen food per day is just 50 cents. Bless her school. You can actually buy a bowl of fishball noodles with that amount and it comes with two full fishballs! Get this, if you want to spend lesser – 40 cents for a slice of pandan cake, 30 cents for an egg, scrambled or sunny side up!

That works out to S$10 for the five days and four weeks in school. Okay, daddy is not going to be a scrooge. I’ll throw in another S$2 for allowance. That makes it a grand total of S$12 per month for her canteen food. Now who says having kids is gonna be exorbitantly expensive?

Nothing more will I give because she will also learn to cope with the all too common occurrence in today’s lifestyle – instant gratification. If she wants to spend on items, other than the canteen food, she got to work with the monthly budget. I'd say, spend on the lesser price food and save the remaining sum, till you are able to afford! Hey, wait a sec, she can put into practice her addition and subtraction here too! This is gonna be fun!

Rule of the Day: A real parent is not one that brings the kid to the world but one that brings the kid up.

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Tip 11: The Good 1—2 (part 2 of 2)

Parents, if you are squeamish over a mosquito bite on your kid, please leave this site.

Tip 11
The truth is, it is no pleasure executing the Good 1—2. *sigh*. The kid doesn’t have to know that. What they must know is, beneath that velvet glove, there are always claws waiting – if they cross the line.

When applying this discipline, I say again, a LITTLE spanking is all that is required. I know, in the midst of anger, it is tempting to let it all out. DON’T. Even with the precaution taken, this form of punishment is NOT to be taken lightly. Man, you are dealing with the head lah! duh.

If applied too enthusiastically, depending on the age of the kid, the result can lead to bleeding on the lips, bruised cheeks and worst, impaired hearing or vision. You wouldn’t want that. Another cautionary note, when executing the Good 1—2, CONTROL your adult strength. The slapped area may be small, but ALWAYS bear in mind, the impact to be absorbed by the kid’s developing neck bone and growing skull! I say again, CONTROL your adult strength.

Why then the face area and not the buttocks, legs or hand? Because, even for a kid, instinctively he knows the face is a highly vulnerable and unprotected area. Besides you want to achieve a reminder that will stay for a good while. Once the Good 1—2 is executed, all you ever need to do, is to walk up to the boisterous little chap and gently remind him, ‘Do you want to hold your face again?’ and you will see him, hold his face (like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone), shake his head in a ‘No’, and abide by the rules without further fuss.

Like all physical treatment, use it sparingly. Too much of it will make the kid harden to the effect. You don’t want that either. And like all well-intentioned and strict parenting, punishment MUST always balance with lots and lots of hugs and encouraging love. This is to let the kid know you are always there for them, and you will still be there for them – with the Good 1—2, when they intentionally over step the border, once more….

Personally, the Good 1—2 is used as a final straw. Usually the ‘Spanking Without Being Caught’ methods (see Tip 4, Tip 6, and Tip 9) is enough to let the kid know – you mean business.

Rule of the Day: If being cruel means being kind, then I choose to be cruel.

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Tip 10: The Good 1—2 (part 1 of 2)

Parents, if you are squeamish over a mosquito bite on your kid, please leave this site.

Tip 10
This certainly goes against the grain on ‘sensible’ parenting, and in some country, tantamount to abuse!!!

I strongly advocate that a little spanking is required if you want to bring up sane kids and importantly, to keep your own sanity. From time to time, a strong message has to be sent to the kid – he has past his limit and, who’s in charge.

For the Good 1—2 slap, use ONLY four fingers, with the thumbs bend in and resting on the palm. Like you use the hand to show the number four. For maximum effect, always go for the chubby cheeks, then give the Good 1—2, much like a boxer giving a left punch and followed instantly with a right hook.

The point of contact should ONLY be the fleshy tip of the fingers to the cheeks. That is why the bent thumbs are absolutely essential. This is to confine the slap in a small area and also to avoid the explosive, all five fingers, free-for-all kind of slap!

Instinctively, the kid will use both hands to cover the cheek area. Which is not a bad thing. Then you need only to slap his hands that are protecting his cheek. Smack–Smack!

The first slap is to get the message across and the second is to imprint the message – permanently. Then STOP. Go no further. Sometimes, it is tempting to go more, DON’T. The aim here is to affect a scare with a lasting memory NOT maimed.

After which, ALWAYS EXPLAIN the punishment and importantly, the kid MUST acknowledge he knows the reason for receiving the Good 1—2. This is to establish that an understanding is reached. If the same happens again, Daddy is more than happy to exercise the Good 1—2…

Rule of the Day: I’d rather rotan (cane) the kid myself than have the State rotaning him when he grows up!

Next post: The Good 1—2 (Part 2).

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