Tip 14: Smack Your Kid – It is Healthy!

For all those who thinks my method in parenting is abhorring ;P

As the articles have shown (click pictures for bigger read), the era of showing too much respect for the kid is anything but useful.

Here’s my take –

To the parent who thinks bringing up kids with velvet glove, and let them roam free, to the tune of encouraging ‘freedom of expression’, even if it inconvenient others…

To the parent who genuinely believe that those little darlings of yours cannot be hurt emotionally (it destroys their self esteem you know), or we must cajole and persuade rather than slamming down the kid…

I have this to say – Frankly, you’re just plain lazy (at the worst) and do not have the courage to fulfill your role as a responsible parent.

I am NOT one to support abuse, but if tough love and being firm but fair means making my kid a better person, so be it. I am sure what I have applied in disciplining my kid – at least in an Asian home where discipline of the child involves slapping and caning, as part and parcel of a good upbringing in a home – is no big secret. SmackDad only describe, in detail, these methods in written form. It will however, a word of caution, make uncomfortable reading for some.

I, for one, do not belong to a goody kid in my growing up years. And what I am today, I must thank my mum who does not hesitate in meting out punishment that is far cruel (and creative in inflicting pain) than what I have described in my previous blogs!

Do I hold it against her? NO! On the contrary, I LOVE her more than anything else. Through her ‘cruelness’ she taught me one of the most important life lesson, how to ‘jo yian’ (in Cantonese) or loosely translated, a person of sound character.

I thank you mummy (she must read this!)

Let me assure you, I take no pleasure in executing the harsher punishments. And the fear that your child will hold it against you is the least of your worries. Reason being, for those who bother (and do not read my views out of context!) will know that these disciplinary methods if applied, is only used once or twice. Your relationship with your child is more of communicating, which means hear what THEY (not you) got to say first, lots of hugs, kisses and encouraging love. Be involve. That makes the difference in binding the bond between parent and child. Of course, they must know SmackDad wields a big stick if matters get out of hand…

I have to reiterate, there are children who are born angelic and there is really no reason to use SmackDad treatment at all. Bless you.

But for the rest of us, we are not so fortunate. That is where the fun in being a parent begins!

Rule of the Day: A slap in time, may save nine (er, can someone enlighten me here?!?).

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Tip 13: Daddy, What is F-U-C-K ?

Parents, if you can't stomach strong language, please leave this site.

While walking home from dinner, my wife asked, do you know that she (our little one) knows what the F-word means? So we asked her, who told you the meaning of the F-word. Her reply, ‘Daddy’. What a proud moment – for daddy! She didn’t get it from her friends, TV or the Internet, but from daddy. That's my gal!

The F-word, it is on walls, in the playground, where she explained the word to her mother, and in our lift landing, where it all started some months back. While waiting for the lift, she just has to read out the word ‘fuck’ aloud, and asked, ‘what is that, daddy?’ and daddy tells her like it is.

Fuck is when the penis goes into the vagina and that is how babies are born, like you.

I am amazed; she actually regurgitated what I explained to her word-for-word to her mummy. Darn kids have minds like sponge! I have decided, with the Internet-MTV kids today, forget about going round the bush and replace penis and vagina with cutie names like koo-koo bird or chee-chee.

With today’s array of media bombardment, masking the topic of sex from the kid is totally irrelevant and absurd. Much of this is borne from our parent’s misguided upbringing on the subject of sex and disillusioned over this idealistic desire to protect our little ones from all things sexual.

Get real. Kids are more exposed than any of us when we were at their age! But do they know what it meant? What are the consequences? It is here, as parent, we must come in.

We explained that fuck is a coarse word and not to be used lightly. Another word to use to describe the action is sexual intercourse. Sometimes when we want to have babies, then we have sex. ‘Does that mean will get pregnant?’ my little one asked. ‘Yes, if we want babies’, we replied, and mummy added, ‘remember you mustn’t allow any man force you to have sex or touch you there’.

Now she knows the meaning and the usage of the word. Once she actually pre-warned daddy, if I so continue to brand her with names like idiot, fool, stupid, pig head, dumb-dumb, she’ll use the F-word on me! That’s my gal!

Rule of the Day: A real parent is not one that brings the kid to the world but one that brings the kid up.

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Reflections 8: Get a King Size Bed!

The other day, I had dinner with some former colleagues. We have with us, a lovely couple whose gonna tie the knot next year! Brave souls. One of the topics brought up was, to have a King size or Queen size bed for their master room.

I’d say if the new HDB flat allows a King size bed and still have room for maneuver, I mean space to walk – GET A KING SIZE BED!

In a smaller bed, other than the possibility of kicking or punching your other half on the face, when in dream mode, our personal experience is snuggling close to each other is fine but with the weight and bodily heat generated over time, together with our humid weather, it ain’t gonna be comfortable.

Give me the space any time! If space allow, give yourself that King size luxury. I mean we spent 6 to 8 hours of our time sleeping. Some lucky ones can get up 12 hours of sleep! Another great reason is when the little one comes along.

As a rule, I do not want the kid to sleep with us. Hey, the man needs his uninterrupted, beauty sleep too! Since day one, we have decided that the kid sleeps in her own room, on her own bed. Whether she cries, shit or vomit, it is gonna be on HER bed NOT mine. And if it is a throwing tantrum kind of crying, we’ll just leave her crying till she falls asleep on her own. In that way, she’ll also get to know that crying for attention will get her nowhere.

Then as she gets older and she pleads with those big Puss-in-Boots eyes that she want to sleep with us because she misses mummy and daddy… very hard to say no lah.

By any account, we are just your average sized people. Even with our bed size, to include the little one sleeping with us, would mean turning in bed mindfully, without knocking into each other!

Let’s get real. It is a misleading notion that all three can snuggle comfortably and have a good night sleep. Unless we sleep, King Tut like position throughout without moving, forget it! And prepared to be kicked and slapped across your face, by the tiny feet and hand, if you have that brat sleep in between.

However we have with us mummy FW, who insisted that a Queen size bed is better. And she’ll share her views with the bride to be. I have not fathomed how is that possible. Pray tell how?!?

Rule of the Day: Daddy needs his sleep. If he can't take care of himself, how is he gonna take care of his family. Period.

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Tip 12: Daddy, I Don't Love You

Tip 12
Money and the Kid, the saga continues… (see Reflections 4 and Reflections 6)

‘Daddy don’t want to give me 2 $ because that I didn’t save my money. And buy glitter this all but luckly that I have coin. I don’t love daddy because he don’t want to give me $2. Now daddy going to sign my blue file but I need to be nice of (to) him.’
— 15/8/2007

This is an entry in my little one’s Journal. Prepare for the kid telling you they do not love you. This is once they know how to express themselves and they don’t get their way. I used to receive it verbally. Now, it is in written form!?!

For the rest of that week, she got to ‘tar pau’ or pack for her own canteen break. And she prepares her own packing. If she does not do it herself, I ain’t gonna sweeten her ‘punishment’! Her favourite is bread with Nutella spread.

My sadistic side would love to push the limit and not even let her have any to eat for the break. But alas, a good general knows no army can win a battle on an empty stomach. Somehow the kid understands that too. In spite of all the harshness delivered, through your conscientious caring actions, they know you always have their best interest at heart – they are not stupid.

It comes with the deal when we, as parent, have to make a stand and instill the proper values, ethics or beliefs. Knowing well it will mean inconveniencing, depriving and discomforting them.

When applied, do allow them the right to protest. I will however, stop short at the kid using, ‘I hate you’ or ‘I kill you’ – which were expressed before. Correct them by letting them know that these are harsh words that should never be loosely used.

The next time, when the little ones expressed ‘I do not love you’, don’t get too affected. It’s emotional blackmail at their best. Trust me, these little angels know how to manipulate feelings! How do I deal with them? I simply brush them off by telling them, ‘It doesn’t matter, daddy still loves you.’

Rule of the Day: A parent’s nightmare, ‘Where were you when I needed you to guide me’.

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Reflections 7: Working from Home with the Little Brat

see more illustrations at Wiwimu's Journal

There was a two days break for the lower Primary kids while the older ones take their final examinations. Ordinarily we will make arrangement to pack our little rascal to a nanny’s place or coerced by relatives and close friends to have our girl stay over at their place to let all the kids have a happy time together – to the delights of all the affected children of course!

Come on, I mean, it is ONLY for TWO days, gungho daddy can handle that while still work at home. It started well with a schedule. So-and-so this time, do the assessment work. Then so-and-so this time can go play the computer games. Then so-and-so this time we go lunch together and so forth.

Sounds great, in theory. By and large, it went as planned but it did come with its glitches. In spite of the activities planned, the one thing I did not bargain for is, she gets bored – easily.

Day One glitch – Hippity hop, she’ll come in and pester daddy for things and she’ll insistently stand next to you while you work, till she gets your attention. At an unfortunate instance, I was conceptualizing various ideas and just couldn’t quite get it right. For a designer, these are times they should be left alone – we mean it. And there’s this little pest, pestering just next to you, over trivial matters like, can you please sign this done (and darn) school assessment paper, that is to be submitted only the following week! Flash point, daddy lost it and shouted ‘SHUT UP LAH!’ And I saw the little one scurrying back to her room. Then I hear sniffing coming from my little girl’s room. That was it, concept or no concept, I did no right in that. My girl needs me…

Day Two glitch – There are times, when you need to focus while working, and even have the radio turned off so as not to be distracted. In the quietness, you suddenly feel some one touching your leg below the table! I was jerked out of my seat for that instant, then you hear laughter and realized it is the little one playing one of her ‘boo’ pranks! Flash point, I did not think that was funny and shouted ‘GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!’ And that had her scurried back to her room (once more) and this time, it was loud sobbing. I guess I scared her too!

After these two incidents, realized that house rules together with work rules have to be applied. I explained to her that there is always a time and place for everything. And playing ‘boo’ or pestering daddy for things when he is working is just not going to happen. To keep it simple, I only have two rules for her to follow:

1) When daddy is in the study room working, the study room is THE office – so no play time (for both parties)
2) Knock twice before entering when daddy is working – no more shocks, for myself and for her, and importantly, it is just plain, basic manners to knock before entering

After that it gets easier with a gentle reminder that daddy is working, and she’ll do her own things. And when she wants to talk to daddy, she’ll knock before coming in. Initially, the knocking the door part needs some getting use to. After a few retries, to ask her to walk out again and knock, before entering, she got the message.

Nowadays, it becomes part of her to knock when she enters the room. A good lesson learned, I’d say!

Rule of the Day: Let your kid know, to be number one is good, but to give your best in everything you do, is better.

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Reflections 6: Money to the Kid – Fine Tuning Needed!

Like all great ideas, as described in Reflections 4, rarely it goes as planned when executed.

I planned to give her the entire $12 to start the month. Being cautious, I intend to give her all $2 notes. It’s better if she looses one $2 than a S$10 bill!

Unfortunately, I’ve only had two $2 notes then. So I told her, daddy pass you $4 and daddy owes you… after she did some finger counting, $8 more dollars. Not a bad start for practical Math!

I was for the idea she’ll just bring $2 every time. She insisted that she wants to bring all $4 to school. Fine, I told her ‘If you lose the money, and there isn’t any left by month end, there won’t be food to buy’. And she replied, ‘Then I tar pau (pack food) to bring to school’. Grrrr.

We learned, her first taste of having the means to spend, is like letting a bird out of the cage! Back from school, ‘How much have you left?’ I asked. She took out her wallet and happily counted the remainder – $1.60.

Huh? Wait a sec, it was $4 given. What was spent?!? 50 cents on food, 50 cents on a tube of Glitter, those irritating metallic shiny dust that stuck all over your skin, and a mechanical pencil at $1.40! Mechanical pencil? I just bought her one over the weekend! Grrrr, Grrrr. Why does she need to buy another mechanical pencil? So that she can lend it to her friend. Grrr, Grrr, Grrr!

Okay, this needs to be fine tune. Mummy suggested, we are too ambitious to pass her that kind of amount for a start, and expect her to handle money sensibly – of course SmackMum said it in a more flowery manner, about SmackDad’s short sightedness in this matter, which I ain’t gonna reveal!

We then explained to our little one, instead of a one lump sum hand out, it is to be a $2 top up until $12. And spending in this manner is going to dry up before the month end. Then she countered ‘I’ll tar pau…’ and daddy retorted, ‘NO tar pau even!’ if money is spend in this manner. Period.

The next day, when she is back, she had with her $1.40. Didn’t she buy food for canteen break? ‘Yes daddy,’ she replied, ‘20 cents for water melon’. Admittedly, for that moment, it pains my heart to realise that she knows enough, to scrimp on the remaining money left.

The following day, she spent 50 cents on her food, and she hasn’t spent lavishly after that. I think a valuable lesson was learned.

Rule of the Day: Tell your child ask. If you don’t ask, the answer is always a ‘No’.

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Reflections 5: Internet and the Kid

Illustration by Heymans Tho

Let’s face it, sooner or later we have to deal with this – getting a PC (Personal Computer) for the kid and allow her to surf the web. I mean they are already learning Touch Typing!?! Look, daddy is still keying looking at the keyboard! And like she reasoned, ‘I want to practice’.

Okay, getting the PC cuts both ways. No doubt it is an indispensable tool, it also has its dark side and as parent, we instinctively want to shield our kids from that, at whatever cost. Let me tell you, FORGET IT! In the words of Louis Armstrong – I hear babies cry, I watch them grow, They’ll learn much more than I’ll ever know…

Within the week of the PC arrival, she accessed Yahoo! and typed www.winxclub.com and entered the site! How did she manage that? She got it from the back cover of her Winx Club pictorial book we bought her. The following week, she’s into YouTube and excitedly asked me to watch one lumpy, bare-bodied, prancing middle-aged Korean man.

He was pretending to play a base guitar, just action minus the guitar, to the tune of riotous rock music. It’s quite funny. But how she got there?!? To be sure she does not venture into any sleazy sites, you never know what can pop up when you do a search, I told her, if there is a video or picture on sexy mamas, let daddy know!

YouTube, I haven’t gone into YouTube myself!?! So, I did just that! This is after reading an article on how raunchy Sun Ho (Ho Yeow Sun) looks in her new single China Wine, a collaboration with Wyclef Jean. Strictly from an artistic view, it is a brave and praiseworthy music video. C’mon support local talent! You can catch it at www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKbQhZusptA

Erm, I think I digressed. Just yesterday, I saw my little one almost register herself in some game website. STOP! Immediately I have to lay down 4 ground rules if she wants to register online:

1) NEVER give your ACTUAL name
– call yourself BiuBiu if you have too. By the way, that is her pet hamster’s name.
2) NEVER give your HOME address
3) NEVER give your PHONE number
4) NEVER give your SCHOOL NAME

And we have her agree to a condition, before we say yes to the PC, every time she uses the PC, her PC time is only half an hour. This is for the health of her eyes, and the last thing you want, is a PC addicted child! So far, she has kept to her side of the bargain.

Learning must be fun and you do not want to stifle the child’s exploring curiosity. The PC provides all that. I also stand firm that you can’t protect your child forever. Censorship is out of the question, that is, until the trust is betrayed. Then we have every reason to impose more limitations.

Once we decide to let the little one have access to the world of the internet, it is not without effort, you got to be there for your kid too!

Rule of the Day: Children should not be brought up like bonsais – it is beautiful but the growth is stunted.

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